How to stop bringing anger home from work
Somebody at work made you angry. Your family is about to pay for it.
Something happened at work. You were spoken to in a way you did not deserve, or blamed for something that was not your fault.
You said nothing, because you need the job.
Then you drove home still angry, and by eight in the evening you had snapped at your wife over something small. She had nothing to do with it.
Were you calm, or just quiet?
Those are not the same thing. Be honest about which one it was.
Staying quiet at work was not patience. You worked out that speaking up would cost you too much. That is fine. Adults do that every day.
But the anger did not disappear when you swallowed it. You brought it home, and it came out at the people who had nothing to do with any of it.
You did not control your anger. You just saved it for the people who cannot fire you.
What did Nabi ﷺ say about anger?
The strong one, he said, is not the man who can wrestle. The strong one is the man who controls himself when he is angry.
A man once asked him for advice. He said: do not get angry. The man asked again and again, and each time the answer was the same.
The Quran describes the people Allah loves as those who hold back their anger and forgive people. And Nabi ﷺ said whoever holds in anger when he could act on it, Allah will call him in front of all creation on the Day of Judgment and honor him.
Notice the words: when he could act on it. Holding back at work because you had no choice is one thing. Holding back at home, where you could shout and nobody would stop you, is the one that is rewarded.
What do I do in the moment?
Two things he taught, both simple.
Say a'udhu billahi min ash-shaytan ir-rajim. Two men were arguing in front of Nabi ﷺ, one red in the face, and he said he knew a sentence that would calm him: I seek refuge with Allah from Shaytan.
Change your position. He said if you are angry while standing, sit down. If it is still there, lie down.
His advice about anger was something you do with your body, not only something you think about. A walk and wudu work the same way.
What if it already came out at home?
Then go back and say sorry, for that exact thing. Not a general sorry for being tired. Name it.
Then deal with the real problem at work properly, on another day. Anger that never gets dealt with comes out somewhere else.
What to do
- Notice it in the car on the way home, while it is still yours and has not landed on anyone.
- Say it out loud when you walk in. Work was bad, it is nothing to do with you, give me twenty minutes. Anyone can work with that.
- Sit down, say the words, have a glass of water, make wudu. Do something with your body first.
- Deal with the real problem at work later, properly.
What not to do
- Do not take it out on whoever is nearest. They did nothing, and they will remember it longer than you will.
- Do not call it a bad day and let it happen again next week. Twice is a pattern.
- Do not confuse being silent with being in control.
One last thing
The test is not whether you are a calm person by nature. It is what you do in the ten seconds after the anger arrives, and where you let it land.
Tomorrow, sit in the car for two minutes before you walk in the door. Say the words. Then go inside.
Source: Sahih Muslim 2609; Sahih al-Bukhari 6116; Quran 3:134; Sunan Abi Dawud 4777 (hasan per al-Albani); Sahih al-Bukhari 3282; Sunan Abi Dawud 4782
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.