Is praying enough when choosing a spouse?
Good character is not a bonus on top of religion
A family asks around about a man. The answer comes back that he prays five times a day, he fasts, and he never misses Jumuah.
Everyone relaxes. The checking is finished.
Six months into the marriage she finds out that he has not spoken to his sister in two years, that he raises his voice, and that he says things in an argument he never takes back.
He still prays. Nobody lied to her. But praying was never the whole question.
What did Nabi ﷺ say to look for in a spouse?
Two things, not one.
He said: when someone whose religion and whose character you are pleased with comes to marry your daughter, marry her to him. If you do not, there will be trouble and a lot of harm on the earth.
Religion and character. He named both, side by side. Families today check the first and skip the second.
Isn't character just a bonus on top of religion?
No. We have somehow split the deen into two piles. One pile is worship, and that pile counts. The other pile is manners, and that one is nice if you find the time.
That is not how Nabi ﷺ taught it. He said whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not harm his neighbor, should honor his guest, and should say something good or stay quiet. Believing and behaving, in one sentence.
He said the believer with the most complete faith is the one with the best character. And that nothing weighs more on a believer's scale on the Day of Judgment than good character.
How a man behaves at home is not separate from his religion. It is the part of it you can actually see.
Can someone pray and still lose everything?
Nabi ﷺ once asked his companions: do you know who is truly bankrupt?
They said: someone with no money and no belongings.
He said the bankrupt one is the person who comes on the Day of Judgment with prayer, fasting and charity. But he insulted this one, lied about that one, took someone's money, hurt someone else. So his good deeds are handed over to the people he wronged, one by one, until there is nothing left.
He prayed. He fasted. It was not enough, because of how he treated people.
Where can you actually see someone's character?
In whether they can lose an argument.
In what they say when they are tired and nobody outside the house can hear.
In whether the family relaxes when they walk in, or goes quiet. That one tells you nearly everything, and you can usually notice it within ten minutes of sitting in a family home.
Does this only apply to men?
No. A woman can pray and fast and still talk about her husband to her friends in a way she would never say to his face. That is the same problem in a different form.
You do not get out of the second pile by doing well on the first one. That is true for both of you.
What to do
- Watch how they behave when they are tired, hungry or late. That is the real person.
- Notice whether the house goes quiet when they walk in. Children are honest about this even when adults are not.
- Ask their brother or sister something specific. Not is he a good person. Ask when he last apologized to anyone.
- Look for someone who is the same person in front of the imam and in front of a delivery driver.
What not to do
- Do not treat prayer as a character reference. It is between them and Allah, and it tells you nothing about how they handle being wrong.
- Do not assume it will improve after the wedding. Marriage makes people more of what they already are, not less.
- Do not let anyone tell you that asking about character is ungrateful. Nabi ﷺ told you to ask.
One last thing
Nabi ﷺ said the best of you are the best in character. He did not say the ones who pray the most.
If you are looking right now, write down one question about character to ask before the next meeting. And ask it.
Source: Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan per al-Albani, daif per Zubair Ali Zai); Sahih al-Bukhari 6018; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1162; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2002; Sahih Muslim 2581; Sahih al-Bukhari 6035
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.