How do you actually check someone's deen?
Everyone says marry for deen. Nobody tells you what to look at.
Your family asks around about him. The answer comes back that he prays, he is from a decent family, he has a good job.
Everybody nods. The checking is finished. And nobody has actually found out anything about the man.
Everything below applies the same way when a man's family is asking about a woman.
What did Nabi ﷺ tell us to check?
He said that when someone comes to marry your daughter, and you are pleased with his deen and his character, then let him marry her.
Two things. His deen, and his character.
Not his job. Not his family name. Not how he looks in the photo. And not his deen on its own either. His character is named right next to it.
Is praying enough on its own?
Nabi ﷺ also said a woman is married for four things: her money, her family, her beauty and her deen. Then he said to choose the one with deen.
So both sides are told the same thing. Deen comes first.
But somebody can pray every prayer on time and still be unkind, dishonest or hard to live with. You have met people like that.
That is why character matters so much. It is how deen shows up in everyday life. (We went deeper on this in is praying enough when choosing a spouse?)
What does good character actually look like?
Nabi ﷺ gave three signs of a hypocrite. When he speaks, he lies. When he makes a promise, he breaks it. When he is trusted with something, he betrays that trust.
Turn those around, and you have three things you can actually find out about a person.
Does he tell the truth, even when it costs him? Ask people who have worked with him, not only people who like him.
Does he keep his word? Does he turn up when he says he will? Does he pay back what he borrows?
Can he be trusted with what is not his? Money, secrets, other people's things.
Then look at how he treats people. Nabi ﷺ said the believer with the most complete faith is the one with the best character, and the best of you are the best to their wives.
Watch how he treats somebody who can do nothing for him. A waiter, a driver, a younger cousin. Listen to how he talks about his mother and his sisters. (More on that in the question nobody asks about his family.)
None of this comes up in a marriage meeting. All of it decides what your life is going to be like.
What about the other three?
The hadith does not say money, family and looks do not matter. It says to choose deen when you have to choose between them.
You are allowed to want to find your spouse attractive. You are allowed to want some stability. Pretending otherwise makes people marry out of guilt and quietly regret it for years.
What to do
- Ask people who have worked with them, lent them money, or traveled with them. They know things a marriage meeting will not show you.
- Meet the family more than once. People relax over time, and you see more.
- Ask yourself honestly whether you would be happy if your child turned out like this person.
What not to do
- Do not treat praying as the whole test. It is the first question, not the last one.
- Do not marry a list. A salary and a family name are not the person you will live with.
- Do not ignore how they treat their own family. That is how they will treat you once the newness wears off.
One last thing
When Nabi ﷺ told us to choose the one with deen, he added a line people usually leave out: may your hands be rubbed with dust.
It is an old Arabic expression. It roughly means you will be the one who loses out if you do not. He was not making a gentle suggestion.
And about the man with good deen and good character, he warned that if people turn him away, there will be trouble and corruption in the land.
Source: Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan per al-Albani); Sahih al-Bukhari 5090; Sahih al-Bukhari 33; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1162
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.