How to feel close to your spouse again
You have tried the date nights. Three things matter more, and are harder to give.
It is late. The children are asleep. The two of you are on the sofa, at opposite ends, on your phones. Nobody is angry. Nobody said anything wrong today.
That is what worries you. There is nothing to point at.
Why did date nights not fix it?
You looked for advice. Talk more. Book a date night. Put the phones down. You tried some of it, and by Thursday you were back on the sofa.
Those things are fine. They just sit on top of three deeper things, and neither of you is giving them.
Does physical closeness really matter that much?
Yes, and nobody says it out loud, so it gets left for years.
It stops quietly. One of you is tired. One of you reaches over, gets a back turned, and does not try again. A year later you cannot say when it stopped. Then it comes out in other ways: sharper about the dishes, a quiet car.
Islam does not treat this as a small thing. Nabi ﷺ told his companions that even intimacy between a husband and wife is rewarded like charity. They were surprised. He explained: if it would be a sin in the wrong place, it is rewarded in the right one.
Nobody should be pushed into it. If you are ill, worn out or hurt, say so. But do not let it quietly disappear.
What kind of effort actually counts?
Effort the other person can feel.
Ask a man what makes him feel loved and he will not have an answer. Watch him come home to a plate someone made for him, and you will see it on his face. It is not the food. It is knowing someone was thinking about him.
She notices if you ask about her day before you sit down. She notices the tap you finally fixed.
Nabi ﷺ said you are rewarded for whatever you spend for Allah's sake, even the bite of food you put in your wife's mouth. Even that counts.
Do something after a fight and it looks like an apology. Do it on a normal Tuesday and it looks like love.
What does believing in them look like?
Every man has a bad stretch, when work dries up or money is short. Every woman has hers, when the house, the children and her own health all slip at once. Neither wants advice. They want to know you still see them.
When the first revelation came, Nabi ﷺ went home to Khadijah shaking and afraid for himself. She did not lecture him. She said: by Allah, Allah will never disgrace you. You keep ties with your family, you help the weak, you are generous to guests, and you stand by people in hardship.
She named what was good in him, at his lowest moment. That is believing in someone.
Why should I be the one to start?
Because the other option is another year on the sofa, and your children are watching. You are not doing it because they earned it. You are doing it for Allah, and asking Him to soften what you cannot reach.
What if it is not just cold, but unsafe?
Then none of this applies. If there is violence, or you are scared of the person you live with, talk to someone you trust and get help. A cold marriage and a dangerous one need different answers.
What to do
- Pick one of the three and do it for a month. Do not announce it.
- Say the exact good thing you see in them, the way Khadijah did, not just a nice word.
- Do it for Allah, not as a swap. Keep score and you will stop in two weeks.
What not to do
- Do not show your husband or wife this post as proof.
- Do not wait for them to go first. That is what you have both been doing.
- Do not mix up a cold marriage with a dangerous one.
One last thing
Tonight, put the phone face down and sit next to them, not across the room. Start there.
Source: Sahih Muslim 1006; Sahih al-Bukhari 56; Sahih al-Bukhari 3
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.