“We cannot afford to get married yet”
Look at what you are actually saving for. Almost none of it is the marriage.
It is the most reasonable sentence in the world. Nobody argues with it.
“We cannot afford to get married yet.”
So the years go by. Two, three, five. And the whole time, everybody agrees you are being sensible.
Write down what you are saving for
Not in your head. On paper.
The hall. The catering, for three hundred people, most of whom you have met twice. The gold. Her outfit and his. The photographer. The videographer. The cars. The flowers. The stage.
Now cross off everything on that list that is not the marriage.
You will be left with almost nothing.
What does a nikah actually need?
Two people who agree. Her guardian. Two witnesses. And a mahr, which is hers, and which she can set at whatever she wants.
That is it. That is the whole thing.
A man once came to Nabi ﷺ wanting to marry. He was told to give her a garment. He could not afford one. He was told to give her anything at all, even an iron ring. He could not manage that either.
He was not told to come back in three years with savings.
He was asked what he knew of the Quran. He named the parts he had memorized, and Nabi ﷺ married them on that.
A man with nothing was married the same day. The iron ring was the upper limit, not the starting point.
The feast was one sheep
Another companion got married and came in with the scent of perfume still on him. He was asked what he had given her. Gold, he said, about the weight of a date stone.
Nabi ﷺ told him to hold a wedding feast, even if it was only one sheep.
One sheep. That is the sunnah you are saving five years for.
So who is the money for?
Be honest about the answer. It is not for the two of you. You will eat almost nothing that day.
It is for the guests. It is so the family is not embarrassed. It is so nobody says they did it cheap.
That is a real pressure and it is not imaginary. People do talk. But it is worth knowing what you are paying for, because right now you are calling it “not ready for marriage” when it is “not ready for the party.”
Those are two different problems and only one of them is yours.
This is not an argument for starting with nothing
A home still costs money. So does a child. So does a bad month.
Save for the life. That is sensible and nobody should talk you out of it.
Just stop letting the wedding stand in front of the marriage and take the credit for the delay.
What to do
- Write the list down and split it in two. What the nikah needs, and what the wedding wants. Look at the second column.
- Talk to her about the mahr directly. It is hers to decide, and a lot of women ask for far less than their family announces.
- Do the nikah when you are ready for the marriage. The walima can come later, when you can pay for it without borrowing.
- Ask a couple who had a small wedding whether they regret it. Then ask someone who borrowed for a big one.
What not to do
- Do not take a loan with interest to pay for one day. You will start the marriage owing money you were told not to owe.
- Do not let a number get announced to the family before the two of you have agreed on it.
- Do not measure your wedding against the last one you attended. You have no idea what it cost them or what it is still costing them.
- Do not tell yourself you are protecting her by waiting, if what you are protecting is how the day will look.
One last thing
The mahr is hers. Not her father’s, not the family’s, not a price anyone is paying for her.
And a man with nothing but some memorized Quran was married that afternoon.
Source: Sahih al-Bukhari 5029; Sahih al-Bukhari 5153
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.