What do you owe your parents in Islam?
It starts with the tone you use when your mother calls
Your mother calls while you are in the middle of something. You pick up and say “What?” in that tone. Short, a little annoyed.
She hears it. You hear it too, about a second after it leaves your mouth.
Allah talks about that exact tone in the Quran. It is where the rights of parents in Islam begin.
What does Allah say about parents?
In Surah al-Isra, Allah puts kindness to parents right after worshiping Him. Then He gets very specific. When they grow old with you, do not say even “uff” to them. Do not snap at them. Speak to them gently.
“Uff” is the smallest sound of irritation there is. The sigh. The eye roll with a noise attached. Even that is ruled out.
Then He tells you to be humble and gentle with them, out of mercy, and to pray for them.
My Lord, have mercy on them, as they raised me when I was a child.
How serious is this?
Nabi ﷺ was asked which deed Allah loves most. He said prayer on time. Then being good to your parents. Only after that did he name fighting in Allah's cause.
When he listed the biggest of the major sins, he named two together: associating partners with Allah, and treating your parents badly.
A man once came to him asking to join the army. Nabi ﷺ asked if his parents were alive. The man said yes. Then put your effort into serving them, he told him.
He also said Allah is pleased when a parent is pleased with you, and angry when a parent is angry with you.
So what do they actually have a right to?
Put the Quran and the hadith together and you get this list.
Kind words. No snapping, no sighing, no raised voice, even when they are wrong or telling the same story again.
Humility. You may earn more or know more than them now. You still stay humble with them.
Obedience in what is good. If they ask for something reasonable and allowed, you do it.
Your time and your help. Most of all when they are old, sick or alone.
Your money when they need it. When the Quran lists who your spending should go to, parents come first.
Your thanks. Allah says to be grateful to Him and to your parents. He put the two in one sentence.
Your duas. While they are alive, and after.
Why does the mother come first?
A man asked Nabi ﷺ who most deserves his good company. Your mother, he said. Then who? Your mother. Then who? Your mother. Then your father.
The Quran points to why. She carried you through hardship on top of hardship, and gave birth to you in pain. Carrying you and nursing you took about thirty months of her life.
Three times is not a small detail. Whatever you give your parents, she gets the bigger share.
Then where does that leave the father?
Nabi ﷺ said the father is the middle gate of Paradise. Then he said: keep that gate, or lose it. The choice is yours.
Many fathers show their love by working and paying for things, not by saying it. That is easy to take for granted. It is still a gate to Paradise.
Do I have to obey them in everything?
No. If your parents try to make you worship others besides Allah, the Quran says do not obey them. Nabi ﷺ said obedience is only in what is good. That covers any sin they ask of you.
But in the same verse, Allah says to still be kind to them in this life. Saying no to the wrong thing does not give you permission to go cold on them.
A woman once asked Nabi ﷺ about her mother, who was not Muslim and had come to visit hoping for her help. Should she stay close to her? Yes, he said. Stay close to your mother.
Marriage, harmful parents and the harder cases need a post of their own. The rule under all of them is this one.
What if my parents have already died?
The gate is not closed.
Nabi ﷺ said that when a person dies, their deeds stop, except three. One of them is a good child who prays for them. Your dua still reaches them.
A man told Nabi ﷺ that his mother died suddenly. He was sure she would have given charity if she had lived longer. Could he give it for her? Yes, Nabi ﷺ said.
He also said one of the finest kinds of goodness is to be kind to the people your father loved. His friends, his brothers, the people he looked after.
What to do
- Answer their calls in the voice you would want your own children to use with you.
- Learn the dua from Surah al-Isra and say it after every prayer: Rabbir-hamhuma kama rabbayani saghira.
- Do one thing for them this week that they did not ask for. Fix it, carry it, drive them there.
- If they have passed, give a small charity for them and visit someone they loved.
What not to do
- Do not sigh, roll your eyes or raise your voice at them, even when you are right.
- Do not let money stand in for your time.
- Do not obey them in a sin, and do not use that as a reason to cut them off.
- Do not wait until they are old or sick to start.
One last thing
Nabi ﷺ said something very strong about this, and he said it three times. A person whose parents grow old while he is still around, and who still does not make it to Paradise, has lost badly.
Why so strong? Because looking after your parents is one of the easiest ways into Paradise, and that person had it right in front of him.
If your parents are alive, that chance is in front of you now. Start small. The next time your mother calls in the middle of something, answer her gently.
Source: Quran 17:23-24; Sahih al-Bukhari 5970; Sahih al-Bukhari 5976; Sahih al-Bukhari 3004; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1899; Quran 2:215; Quran 31:14-15; Sahih al-Bukhari 5971; Sahih Muslim 2548; Quran 46:15; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1900; Sahih al-Bukhari 7257; Sahih al-Bukhari 2620; Sahih Muslim 1631; Sahih al-Bukhari 1388; Sahih Muslim 2552; Sahih Muslim 2551
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.