Do I have to obey my parents in everything?
You never obey them in a sin. In everything else that is good, you listen to them.
Your father wants you to take the job near home. You want the one in another city. You are 26, and the argument has been going on for weeks.
Somewhere in the middle of it, a question comes up: do I have to obey my parents in everything? Even as an adult?
Islam has a clear answer, and it is not quite the one either side of the argument wants.
Does the Quran tell you to obey your parents?
The Quran's word is kindness. Allah puts being good to your parents right after worshiping Him, and tells you not to say even “uff” to them.
Some people take that to mean you only have to be kind, not obey. That goes too far.
A man came to Nabi ﷺ wanting to join the army. Nabi ﷺ asked if his parents were alive, then told him to put his effort into serving them instead.
Another man came to him and said he had left his parents crying to be there. Go back, Nabi ﷺ told him, and make them laugh the way you made them cry.
So their wishes carry real weight. In what is good and allowed, you listen to them, even when you would rather not.
Where does obedience stop?
At sin. Allah says that if your parents try to make you worship others besides Him, do not obey them. And Nabi ﷺ said obedience is only in what is good.
So if they tell you to skip a prayer, lie for them, take a loan with interest, or cut off a relative, you say no.
But in the same verse, Allah says to still be kind to them in this life. Saying no to them does not end your duty to them.
What about things that are not a sin, like a job or where to live?
This is where most real arguments happen, and it is not always clear cut.
Ibn Taymiyyah, a well-known scholar, put it like this: you obey your parents in what benefits them and does not harm you.
So if what they ask costs you little and means a lot to them, do it. If it would seriously harm your faith, your health, your marriage or your living, you are not required to.
For a big decision like a career or a move, talk to a scholar who knows your situation. Bring this question with you: does this help them, and does it harm me?
How do you say no to a parent?
Look at how Ibrahim (AS) spoke to his father, who worshiped idols. The Quran gives the whole conversation:
1. He began each sentence with “O my father.” Four times in a row.
2. He explained why he could not follow him, without insulting him.
3. His father threatened to stone him and told him to leave.
4. Ibrahim (AS) answered: peace be upon you. I will ask my Lord to forgive you.
5. Then he left, and kept praying for him.
He did not give in on the one thing that mattered. He also never raised his voice.
What if they say something that really hurts?
Sometimes they will. They grew up in a different time and see things differently, and some days are hard on both of you.
Let the small things go. Allah did not make an exception to “not even uff” for the days they are unfair.
If something really needs to be said, wait for a calm moment. Start with how much you love them, say it once, gently, and leave it there.
What to do
- Do what they ask when it is allowed and costs you little, even if you would rather not.
- Before a big decision, ask yourself: does this help them, and does it harm me?
- When you have to say no, say it calmly, and say why.
- Keep checking on them after a disagreement, the same as before.
What not to do
- Do not use “the Quran only says be kind” as a way out of everything they ask.
- Do not obey them in a sin, and do not use their sin as a reason to cut them off.
- Do not argue with them in front of other people.
- Do not bring up old arguments every time you disagree.
One last thing
Ibrahim (AS) said no to his father about the most serious thing there is, and still said: peace be upon you.
If you are in an argument with your parents right now, have the next conversation the way he did. Calm, respectful, and clear.
Source: Quran 17:23; Sahih al-Bukhari 3004; Sunan Abi Dawud 2528; Quran 31:15; Sahih al-Bukhari 7257; Ibn Taymiyyah, al-Ikhtiyarat al-Fiqhiyyah (chapter on parents); Quran 19:41-48
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.