When culture and Allah disagree
Everybody in the room knows what the sister's share is. Nobody says it out loud. That is the whole problem.
A father dies. A few weeks later the family sits down to sort out what he left behind.
Everybody in that room knows the sister has a share. It is written in the Quran. It is not a small share and it is not a vague one.
Nobody brings it up.
And if you were sitting in that room, you probably would not bring it up either.
Why did nobody say it?
Not because they did not know. They knew. You knew.
Nobody said it because of what saying it would cost. The look on your uncle's face. The week of phone calls afterwards. Being the one who made it awkward.
Staying quiet cost nothing that evening. Speaking up would have cost plenty.
You can go against Allah quietly. You cannot go against the family quietly.
Whose rule were you following?
Allah has a list of what is allowed and what is not. Your family has one too.
Most of the time the two lists agree, so the question never comes up and you never have to find out.
That evening it came up.
And you already know which list won.
Where else does this show up?
Almost always around money.
The mahr belongs to the wife. Not her father, not her brothers. Nabi ﷺ told a man who owned nothing to find her something, even an iron ring. Culture turned it into a price, and then a wedding that costs more than the mahr and gets paid for with debt.
A divorce has a way it is done. She stays in the home through her waiting period. If you gave her a fortune, you take none of it back. Culture says hand the gold over on your way out the door.
The children's food and clothes are the father's job after a separation. Allah says it in plain words. Culture makes it depend on who is angrier.
We keep Allah's rules for Hajj and for Ramadan. We keep the family's rules for money.
Is that really so serious?
A man came to Nabi ﷺ wearing a gold cross around his neck. He had been a Christian before.
He heard Nabi ﷺ read the verse about people who took their priests as lords instead of Allah. He said we never worshipped them.
Nabi ﷺ told him: they made things allowed for you and you accepted it, they made things forbidden for you and you accepted it. That was the worship.
Nobody bows to their culture. Nobody prays to it.
We just take its list over Allah's list. That is the thing he was describing.
Who is this about?
Not the ones who skip prayer.
People who pray on time. Who fast every day of Ramadan. Who can quote you a hadith at the dinner table.
And who will still watch a sister walk out of that room with nothing, because that is how it has always been done.
So what do you do when they clash?
This was settled a long time ago, in the hardest case there is.
Nabi ﷺ sent out a group of men under a commander he had chosen himself, and told them to obey him. The commander lit a fire and ordered them to walk into it. They refused.
When Nabi ﷺ heard about it he said that if they had gone in, they would never have come out. Then he said: “obedience is only in what is good.”
A man the Prophet ﷺ chose himself could not be obeyed into a sin. Your uncle cannot either.
So go back to that room.
You do not need a speech and you do not need to accuse anybody. One sentence does it: she has a share, and I want it written down.
Somebody will be unhappy. That was always going to be the cost. Pay it.
What to do
- Find out what the Quran actually gives each person before anyone starts dividing anything.
- Say the sister's share out loud in the room, once, calmly.
- Give the mahr to her, in her hand, and write it down.
- Pay for your children after a separation because it is your duty, not a favor.
What not to do
- Do not call something Islamic just because your family has always done it.
- Do not take a woman's mahr, her gold or her inheritance and call it tradition.
- Do not let “respect your elders” close a question Allah already answered.
- Do not wait for everyone to agree before you do the right thing with your own share.
One last thing
Nobody in that room is waiting for you to teach them the rule. They already know it.
They are waiting to see whether anybody is going to say it.
Say it. Then stay for tea.
Source: Quran 4:7; Quran 4:11-14; Quran 4:4; Quran 4:19-21; Quran 2:229; Quran 2:231; Quran 2:233; Quran 65:1-2; Quran 65:6-7; Quran 9:31; Sahih al-Bukhari 5150; Sahih al-Bukhari 6732; Sahih al-Bukhari 7257; Sunan Ibn Majah 2713; Jami at-Tirmidhi 3095 (hasan)
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.