3 things a wife needs from her husband
Three things she needs, and none of them cost money
You work. You pay for everything. You have not done anything wrong.
And she still seems far away, and you cannot work out what she wants from you.
Here are three things a wife needs from her husband, and none of them cost money.
Does she need more than money?
Yes. The money is your duty, and it matters. But the Quran does not stop there. It tells husbands to live with their wives in kindness.
And Nabi ﷺ said the best of you is the one who is best to his wife. Not the one who pays the most.
What is the first thing she needs?
To be talked to, and listened to.
You think the wages say it. She did not hear any of that, because for her it is said in words.
Not a compliment about how she looks. Tell her you noticed she has been carrying a lot lately. Tell her the food was good. Say her name when you come in instead of walking straight past to the shower.
And when she talks, listen to the end. Aisha once told Nabi ﷺ a long story about eleven women and their husbands. He heard every word, then told her he was to her like the best husband in the story.
What is the second thing?
For you to notice the work without being asked.
Somebody in your house has to know when the school shoes stopped fitting, when the car insurance runs out, and that your mother is nearly out of her tablets. That is her. Nobody thanks her, because you only notice this kind of work on the day it does not get done.
Then you say the thing men think is helpful. Tell me if you need help. But now she has to spot the job, work out how it gets done, and ask you for it. You have added a step, not taken one away.
Aisha was asked what Nabi ﷺ did at home. She said he kept busy serving his family until it was time to pray. Nobody had to ask him.
Pick one thing and take it off her completely. The trash. The school run. The car. Your own mother's birthday. It should stop turning up in her head at all.
Being asked to help is not the same as being the person who noticed.
What is the third thing?
To feel safe with you. Not only safe from you. Safe with you.
Aisha said Nabi ﷺ never hit a woman or a servant with his hand. That is the floor, not the goal.
Safe with you means she is not guessing what mood you are in. Some men come home friendly on Monday and silent on Wednesday, and their wife spends the first ten minutes of every evening working out which one walked in.
It means when your mother says something to her, you deal with it. At the time, not later.
And it means she can tell you something you will not like without preparing herself for it first.
Why does this feel unfair?
You are already tired. You are already doing a lot. Now here is a list of more.
Fair enough. But none of these take energy the way work does. They take attention, and attention is the thing you have been spending everywhere except at home.
What to do
- Say one specific thing today. I saw how you handled that with your mother.
- Take one household job and own it completely, so she never has to think about it again.
- When somebody in your family is unfair to her, say something at the time.
- Come in the same way every day, whatever kind of day you had. Being predictable is underrated.
What not to do
- Do not say tell me if you need help. You have just given her another thing to manage.
- Do not treat money as the whole job. It is half of it, and it is the half you find easier.
- Do not go quiet for three days and expect her to know it was about work and not about her.
- Do not wait for her to ask. By the time she asks, she has been carrying it for weeks.
One last thing
He was not helping at home. He was doing it. Nobody had to ask him.
Tonight, pick the one job you will take off her for good, and tell her it is yours now.
Source: Quran 4:19; Jami at-Tirmidhi 3895; Sahih al-Bukhari 5189; Sahih al-Bukhari 676; Sahih Muslim 2328
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.