What never to say to your spouse in a fight
He will still remember the sentence in ten years. You will have forgotten the argument by Thursday.
There are sentences that cost far more than the argument was ever worth.
Every marriage has a bad night. That is not the problem. The problem is that on a bad night, you know exactly which sentence would land hardest. You have known for years.
Why do some words hurt so much longer than the fight?
Because the argument is about tonight, and the sentence is about who they are.
Nabi ﷺ said a person can say one word without thinking, and it drags him down further than the distance between east and west. One word.
Saying sorry afterwards does not fully take it back, because they already heard it. Part of them will believe you meant it.
What should a wife never say?
Comparing him to another man. Her husband earns more. Look at what he had managed by thirty. Almost nobody hears that and thinks I should try harder. He hears that he is a disappointment, and most men go quiet rather than improve.
Attacking his family. A complaint about him and a complaint about his mother are not the same thing. He might agree with you about his mother in private. He will still not forgive you for saying it out loud.
His ability to provide, said to hurt. Not the honest conversation about money, which you should be having. The version aimed at his sense of himself as someone who can look after his family. That one goes deep and stays.
Saying something true is not the same as aiming it at the spot you know will hurt most.
What should a husband never say?
This is not a list for wives only.
Do not comment on her body after childbirth, in any tone, including the one you think is affectionate. Do not compare her to anyone. Do not tell her that what she does at home is not real work. Do not tell her she is being emotional, which has never once calmed anybody down.
Can you mention divorce in a fight?
No. Do not raise divorce to win an argument. It changes the room permanently, and explaining later that you did not mean it will not undo that.
And for a husband it is not only a word. Nabi ﷺ said divorce counts whether it is meant seriously or as a joke. Do not play with it.
What about the things they told you in trust?
Early on, when they trusted you enough, they told you where it hurts. Their father. Their weight. The job they lost. Whatever it is, you know.
When you are angry, saying it stops feeling cruel and starts feeling honest. You are not being honest. You are aiming.
Nabi ﷺ said one of the worst people in Allah's sight on the Day of Judgment is the one who shares what is private between husband and wife. He said it about their most private life together. The lesson reaches everything they told you because you were theirs.
Use it once and they will stop telling you things. They will be right to.
What do I do with the anger instead?
The anger is real, and you are allowed to feel it. But there are a few seconds between feeling angry and speaking, and everything you will regret happens in those few seconds.
Ten minutes out of the room is usually enough. Not to be calm. Just enough not to say the worst thing you know.
Nabi ﷺ said Allah is gentle and loves gentleness, and He gives for gentleness what He does not give for harshness.
What to do
- Talk about the problem, not the person. The dishes did not get done is a problem. You are lazy is a verdict.
- Say what you feel instead of what they did. I am angry lands differently from you always do this.
- If it is already out of your mouth, apologize for that exact sentence. A vague apology does not reach the place it landed.
- Leave the room and say you are coming back. Going quiet with a plan is different from walking out.
What not to do
- Do not use always and never. They are almost never true.
- Do not use what they told you in confidence. Not once.
- Do not do it in front of the children. They remember the tone long after the words.
- Do not say it and then call it honesty. Honesty is about what is true, not about when and where you chose to say it.
One last thing
Nabi ﷺ said whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should say something good, or stay quiet. Staying quiet is given as a proper option, not as weakness.
Think of the one sentence you know you must never say to your spouse. Decide now, while you are calm, that you will not.
Source: Sahih al-Bukhari 6477; Sunan Abi Dawud 2194; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1184; Sahih Muslim 1437; Sunan Ibn Majah 3688; Sahih al-Bukhari 6018
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.