How a husband shows love, and why she may not see it
He thinks he is saying it. She cannot hear it.
A complaint you hear from wives: he never says anything. He never tells me how he feels.
An answer you hear from husbands, usually confused: I work six days a week for this family. What does she think that is?
They are both right, which is why the argument never gets anywhere.
Why does she not see the love he shows?
A lot of men were raised to show they care by doing things. Fix the car. Pay the bill. Take the shift nobody wants. To him, the overtime is how he says it, and he has been saying it for years.
She did not hear it, because for her, love is also something you say. Being provided for is not the same as being wanted.
Neither of them is being unreasonable. They are speaking two different languages and neither has noticed.
He thinks the wages said it. She is still waiting to be told. They both feel unappreciated and neither of them is wrong.
Is providing for her not enough?
It counts, and it counts with Allah. Nabi ﷺ said a man is rewarded for what he spends for Allah's sake, even the bite of food he puts in his wife's mouth.
But he did not stop at providing. He also said: when a man loves someone, he should tell him that he loves him.
If that is true between two friends, it is true between a husband and wife.
How did Nabi ﷺ show love to his wife?
Both ways, doing and saying.
Doing: Aisha said that at home he kept busy serving his family until it was time to pray. She would drink from a cup and hand it to him, and he would put his mouth where hers had been.
Playing: on a journey he raced her, and she won. Years later they raced again and he won. He laughed and said: this one is for that one.
Saying: a companion once asked him, in front of others, who he loved most. He did not dodge it. He said: Aisha.
The most serious man who ever lived named his wife out loud, raced her, and drank from her side of the cup.
What does a husband need to learn?
Doing is not enough on its own. If you never say anything, she will read your effort as duty rather than love.
It takes about four seconds to say it. Most men find those four seconds harder than the overtime. Be honest about whether that is you.
What does a wife need to learn?
He probably is saying it, just not in words.
The man who checks your tires before a long drive without being asked is telling you something. If you only count what gets said out loud, you can spend years feeling unloved by a man who is spending his whole life on you.
Learn to read it. Then, separately, tell him you also need to hear it sometimes. Both of those can be true at once.
What to do
- Say one specific thing out loud this week. I noticed you sorted that out is worth more than a general compliment.
- Work out what your spouse's version of saying it looks like, and start counting it when you see it.
- Ask for what you want instead of testing him. Hinting and waiting is a game nobody wins.
- Do one small thing just for fun together. He raced her. You can manage a walk.
What not to do
- Do not assume the message arrived just because you sent it.
- Do not dismiss what they do give you because it is not in the form you wanted.
- Do not wait to be thanked before you do the next thing. That is trading, not caring.
One last thing
Nabi ﷺ did doing and saying. He did not choose one.
Tonight, say it. Four seconds. Use her name.
Source: Sahih al-Bukhari 56; Sunan Abi Dawud 5124; Sahih al-Bukhari 676; Sahih Muslim 300; Sunan Abi Dawud 2578; Sahih al-Bukhari 3662
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.